From The Archives: Home Improvement

Home Improvement
My best friend John Sullivan bought a home some time back and spent many hours of blood, sweat, and tears making it nice. He might have been a little upset when he got this phony letter from me!! Read on...

Dear Mr. Sullivan,

Congratulations on your new home! It must be terribly exciting to be a new homeowner and see the fruits of your hard work. Even though we have never met, I am very happy for you.

You may wonder why I am writing you – so please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Carl Phillips and I live in nearby Philadelphia. Sadly, my father recently passed away and going through his belongings was not easy. He had a disturbing amount of pornographic magazines but I would rather not get into that. One thing I did find should be of great interest to you. (beside the magazines) I found a map of the insides of a home addressed 204 Linderman in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. That's right – your address!

Along with the map was a note from my great grandfather Theodore Phillips. In the note, he explains that he robbed Cherry Hill Bank and Trust back in 1905. He got away with the crime but was paranoid so he hid the money in various spots throughout his home – 204 Linderman! The map pinpoints each location. Tragically, however, Theodore was killed in a very bizarre hunting accident. He was shot while hunting in the Pine Barrens (not bizarre at all you may say), but at the time, he was not wearing pants. But John, do you understand what I am telling you? You could be sleeping, eating, and going to the potty amid millions of hidden dollars!

However, before you start taking a crowbar to your floorboards and toilet seats, I want you to realize that the money rightfully belongs to me. It was my great grandfather that violently robbed that bank, not yours. In simpler terms- my great grandfather=my money! But being a man of character, I will agree to pay you back for any damage I do to the house and a year supply of band-aids. (did I mention that I am a sales rep for Johnson & Johnson?)

You will be seeing me shortly-don't worry- I have all the tools necessary for gutting a home. I just don't have the tools necessary for putting a home back together. I guess that's where you come in!

Sincerely,
Carl Phillips