From The Archives: EBAY SCAM!!!

Well, not quite, but a guy I used to work with sells stuff on ebay all the time. I saw a package to be mailed out on his desk and i wrote the guys name and address down. I then pretended I was the guy, and wrote him an angry letter back to his home address. Here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Valentino,


My name is Michael McDonnell and recently I won a book from you in an auction from ebay.com. To refresh your memory, the book in question was "I'm the Boss! – the Collective Works of Tony Danza". I really looked forward to receiving it and reading about hilarious bloopers on the set of Taxi, and also how Tony had to constantly ward off sexual advances from Danny "Jonathan" Pintauro on the set of Who's The Boss. The package came on time, but when I opened it I was shocked, dismayed, and utterly confused.

You see, what I found in the envelope was the remnants of a chicken McNugget and a "book" crudely made with cardboard for covers and the backs of pizza shop menus for pages. After reading a bit, I realized this book was supposed to be your memoirs. The most disturbing part of it all was that five whole pages were written entirely with what appears to be blood. I decided to read on, and although a small portion of the book is written in Vulcan and was horribly undecipherable, I was able to finish. The book chronicles your life from your carefree days as a pig-tailed young boy to your recent years as a bearded ebay scam artist. But after reading the whole thing, I realized that your life (or at least what you want to remember) revolves around four principles that you keep referring to in the text. You have an unexplained extreme hatred for poodles; you wish people would still refer to you by your childhood nickname "Kiki"; you have every episode of Fame on tape and have been petitioning NBC to bring it back for almost twenty years, and finally- you have an almost insatiable craving for mustard almost every minute of the day.
Needless to say, after reading your bizarre life story I was baffled, mystified, and for some reason in the mood for mustard. Most importantly though, I made my own conclusion about your life- you are a crook! I want my Tony Danza book and if I don't get it soon I will make my way up from Ocean View, Delaware to Palmyra, New Jersey and hunt you down. Think I am kidding? Never second guess a man obsessed with Tony Danza. You have been warned!

Yours,


Michael McDonnell



PS. I am holding your memoirs as ransom- pull any funny stuff and I'll spill the beans about your affair with Jon Benet Ramsey!